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Mitts
Bil, comonly referred to as Mitts in later life, grew up in a rinky dink trailer park on the west side of Rockford. Hit repeatedly on the head by his semi-retarded father as a kid with a stale loaf of bread, his mental disabilities have rivaled, if not surpassed that of the Ster. His family adapted to these setbacks, and listened to his grunts for communication. If it weren't for his cousin, Tubs, he would've died 8978 times over; three thousand of those from almost drowning in a bathtub. Knowing academics were not his forte, he stuck to football. Unfortunately, he took steroids in high school which caused him to grunt more and made it even harder to understand his whims.

After a standout bench-warming career at Drake ended by Mitts trying to eat the team mascot, he set his sights on becoming a body guard. However, he was shortly fired after ducking when a gunman pointed his gun in his general direction and ended up shooting the target. He then took his talents to Niles West as a janitor. He ended up killing the assistant coaches of the football team. Scared he would be the next victim, the head coach hired him as an assistant coach. Because of the questionable hiring, the head coach took over duties as offensive and defensive coordinator, wide receivers, quarterbacks, runningbacks, o-line, d-line, linebackers, defensive backs, and special teams coach. Mitts declared himself "uffishell pley drahur". The plays ended up being demented pictures of Mickey Mouse heads eating hotdogs (or at least it was assumed they were hotdogs...).

After getting the shoo-in at Aldous Ernest Stevens High School, he became head coach of a developing school with a population of three hundred. Throughout the years, he became more retarded. If it weren't for the talents of his players, and their intelligence in never listening to him, he would've had a dismal record. The school saw right through his old fashioned retarded offense of running up the middle 50 times a game, and tried ousting him. It wouldn't be until years later, when Mitts calculated his age to be 70 when it was actually 55 and decided to retire. His alcoholism and diet of twinkies have led him to look much older. After getting the boot, Mitts went to coach a team he hated the most; a team of minorities. Nowadays, he spends his time screaming racial slurs at Mexicans on his lawn chair while drinking beer.

Interests: Alcohol, Twinkies, the Ster's Mickey Mouse gloves, yelling at Praljereal to get a ball when he's holding one right next to him, Looney toons, playing black kids that don't deserve to be on the field, mumbling to his other coaches, Rugrats, making fun of Brat Marris and calling him a pussy, calling jizzcora a retard to his face (ironic...), welfare checks, sitting on a stationary bike for thirty minutes without pedaling, beating his wife, and many other things.

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